I loved Sailer Moon.

Her enchanting and transforming twirl.

Little me danced her twirl.

We clothed ourselves in translucent ribbon.

Fabric too thin to be armor.

Covering.

Who would cover me after that look my cousin just gave me?

–

I think I fell in love with my best friend in middle school.

Julian,

With crazy blue diamond eyes and a short Shirley

Curly blonde shag of hair.

He looked like a punk rock Mickey Mouse Club reject.

He was sharing maybe Tool, maybe a Good Charlotte CD with me,

I remember him rustling through his backpack and putting an earbud in

And handing me mine.

Maybe we were almost 3 ft. Apart but I remember 

The closeness

My heart bent.

My depravity.

He would always do nice things for me, 

I think he liked me too

Until he was too cool.

Hurricane Katrina would come and put my desire to a temporary rest

–

1 softcore porn

and one sleepover.

Our friend Kyle had two “moms.”

I never had or went to a sleepover again

For a very long time.

I remember my mom’s adamance about me going to church that next day.

Not that I had a choice in the matter.

–

High school was confusing, lonely,

A drag

Libraries would become my safe place senior year,

I was probably the first boy to wear skinny jeans

Shirts fit for a girl’s form.

I got my first fake boyfriend when I was a junior.

I almost lost my first car in the process.

The same car I would flip later on, semi-stoned

On my way from getting a restaurant job

That I would never keep for more than 2 months. 

–

College crushes

Headlong rushes into my twenty somethings

My desires had no breaks

I hardly remember a time that I wasn’t smoking weed

That I wasn’t seeking my adam

Feed me wine and your obscure playlists

The internet became something close to home

Close to a place where I can lay my imagination down

Desperation isn’t a far swing from depravity.

These subcultures I consumed only needed a rotting foundation.

Disgruntled hearts of youth who just wanna know True Love 

VIP

Burial.

–

My mother

I love her

I was raised by her with the help of her sisters,

Her trusted friends,

But by untruths too.

The television,

The internet.

Ultimately, I am grateful for my mom requiring me to attend Sunday church

Up until I was about 16 or 17.

That was the pact we made.

A deal with God

From then on I’d be running up that hill.

–

Church

The experience I had then

Loud or boring

They marked me.

I am most grateful for my mom’s steadiness and resilience. 

She has exemplified to me “God as provider”

“God as my refuge” to me

Time and time again.

–

I shouldn’t have had sex with a man

As if my virginity plagued me

As if I was the last 21 year old living on earth.

I shouldn’t have kissed a boy so many years before then,

But I did.

I don’t even think they were real men,

In the sense that

Real men would cover

Real men would protect,

Real men would say no.

Real men or not, none of us were seeing Jesus

Jesus,

You were in every room.

Every hideous and shameless moment 

–

I shouldn’t have done “drag”

And I shouldn’t have ever smoked weed.

I shouldn’t have done mushrooms,

Or smoked that “weird stuff.”

–

I didn’t ask for panic attacks.

I didn’t ask for disease, 

Yet

You’ve met me.

You’ve healed me.

You crush curses and pour out  the blessing of Your blood.

Every time.

–

Extreme to extreme.

Edge to edge

You were there.

–

I moved to LA and burned my life away.

And you raised me.

You put my literal eyes on Your

Literal cross

Your cross!

It called me back home.

–

David.

I hope you met Jesus

I don’t know where you are no

I thought I was going to marry you,

I was fully convinced 

And then I was fully convicted

–

The Holy Spirit took the air out of our plans.

That Hot air balloon burned down.

You see,

Jesus brought me down to earth and somehow is causing me to go higher,

Into the very heights of Heaven,

With Him.

To only places HE can reach

He’s invited me.

He’s inviting you.

I hope this message meets your heart.

–

Jesus,

Your love is otherly.

Holy Spirit,

You stomped on the Kundalini Spirit

You trampled the New Age

All I can ever know or experience is found in Jesus

He’s endless

You riches have no end!

You have pleasure in me!

The way You love me

Melts aways any measure of lust

Every lie, every false spirit

You have p u r i f i e d me

In your eyes,

I’m your original

Your Beloved.

–

You didn’t have to come for me Jesus

But you wanted me too badly

And you will have so much more than my proximity.

–

YOU

Tore after me

YOU

Stole after me

–

How is it that my presence here makes Your world turn?

I love my neediness for you 

I love to be washed by you

I love to bathe in Your light.

I’m thankful to be your delight

And just to know You.