Darci
Be Still And Know
Hi, everyone, my name is Darci. I live in Colorado. And I have a husband named Mark. I call him remarkable because he has been by my side for 32 years. We have two adult daughters, one of whom is married, and she lives locally. I’m so glad. Because we have two adorable grandchildren that we get to spend time with. And then we have another daughter, a grad student at the University of Texas, Austin. So that is my family story. Within that story, I have been disabled a couple of times.
My first disability story was when I was 35 years old. In the year 2000, I fell down the stairs. I was bedridden for a couple of years, which was difficult because my kids at that time were two and a half and five. But at that time, I went to dozens and dozens and dozens of doctors, and the doctors could not figure out what was going on with me.
But God did this for me. He gave me a counselor, who was also a nutritionist. She asked me this question. She said, Darci, what is it that you know, you should be doing that you’re not doing? That could save your life because I was indeed dying. I was malnourished. I kept losing weight and doctors feared for my life. And how I answered this question was I need to eat, I need to eat. It was pretty simple. Sometimes the answers lie in the most simple places.
You know, sometimes we look for the grandiose miracle or the grandiose next step. And we forget that there’s little things that we could be doing or simple messages that God may be telling us and we’re like, no, no, no, you know, we have an idea in mind, of the grandiose thing that we want. Like our our response is just obedience. That’s what we need to focus on being obedient to the holy God.
Eating was very difficult, which is why I wasn’t doing it. It was difficult because I was in so much pain and when you’re hurting that bad, it is very difficult to eat. So I found a protein shake and began drinking my calories which was super helpful. Now fast forward, eating and learning to eat. I enrolled in a school program. And it took me six years but I gained my master’s in holistic nutrition and opened a private practice. About a year later I had zero pain, and God healed me from my first disability.
My condition later revealed that I had complex regional pain syndrome which is also called CRPS. That is a severe nerve pain disorder that There’s no cure. And so people live with this horrendous pain for years until they die. And it’s a devastating thing to go through. And so, nutrition, God, my counselor, God used all of it to heal me.
I had this healing story and I lived for nine years, I was hiking with my family, and I was doing things with my kids, which was so amazing to me. God gave that back to me. And I was teaching them sports nutrition at the local high school. So they got to see me come full circle God gave me that, and God gave my daughter a desire to help people who are going through painful situations. God did that. My oldest daughter graduated as a child life specialist. And she is working at a children’s hospital teaching children, how to get through very painful procedures. My other daughter is studying how children develop the concept of pain. She’s about to graduate in a year.
So when I was going through this, my fear for my kids was God, why? Why are you allowing me to go through this? And how are my kids going to come through this? Why would you allow this, but God revealed it years later, why he allowed it, he allowed it because he was using this story beyond mine. He was using this story for the next generation.
In 2018, I had an injury at my daughter’s wedding and developed this condition. Again, and why God? Why? We all ask why. David asked, Why God, why? Why have I been forsaken by you? Why would you hear me and allow me to go through this a second time? What didn’t I learn, please, reveal this to me. This time, I not only had severe pain in my feet but in my hands and my sides as well. So this was full-body CRPS I was a pianist and had to stop playing. I couldn’t fall asleep on my sides, like I was used to had to learn to fall asleep on my back. I have pain when I sit too long yet I can’t stand for very long, and I can’t walk for very long. So I have to move about.
God has taught me how to be closer to him through suffering. He taught me to be closer to him the first time through a miracle. And this time, I have to say, perhaps the miracle is suffering. I know that sounds counterintuitive, and I don’t desire to have pain. And when I first hurt myself in 2018, at my daughter’s wedding, it was my ankle that I had injured. And so doctors were like, Oh, it should only be six weeks. Five and a half years later, I’m still struggling to walk.
Five and a half years of trusting God and I don’t ask the question anymore. How long? My life is different. It is slower. And there was a time when early on, I was sitting by the window for a couple of weeks just crying looking at the people who were walking. I was stuck in my bedroom and my husband pulled up an extra mattress that we had in the basement. He pulled it up in the living room so I wouldn’t have to stay in the bedroom.
I’m lying on this bed, and I’m reading my Bible. And I’m looking in Matthew, at all the be’s, do’s, and do-nots. There are hardly any do’s. There are a lot of do-nots, but there’s a lot of be’s. And so I thought, Okay, well I can be, that’s going to be my goal. So I’m going to be still and know that He is God. And so I did learn the practice of resting, of contemplation. There’s so much power in contemplation because you are surrendering yourself. You’re surrendering to Him.
This act of surrendering to Him was learning and knowing what he said about me. What does he want me to BE? He wants me to be still he wants me to be trusting of him. So I remember this mattress in the middle of my living room that isn’t there anymore, but I remember it fondly. Because even though it was such a horrific, painful time, and all I did was lay there all day, I contemplated these truths of God in the book of Matthew.
Since then I’ve been able to rest in Him more to give things over to him. I don’t have to be in control. I’m not in control anyway. So why act like it, you know, none of us are in control. God steers the rudder of our lives. So I didn’t need to waste time like I was trying to be in control. Now, I just pray and give it to God. And I just feel like, if he wants something to happen, it’ll happen if he doesn’t, you know, it won’t. I’ve not arrived, I’m not perfect at this. Yes, I still try to take the rudder from him. And yes, I have bad days where I still am, like, you know, really hurting and where I’m not happy with him. But most days, I can say, I’ve finally learned to rest in Him. You know, the first time I was disabled. I didn’t focus on other people. I didn’t really do anything, besides live through my story.
In the second disability, I realized, you know, I’m journaling. So my journaling became a blog. Because I thought, you know, somebody can relate to this. And I’m not a perfect writer. And that was the most scary part to me, was putting myself out there. And, you know, wondering, how are people going to take this, but I decided to do it anyway, and just trust the Lord. So I started blogging, and I got some good feedback. And I think one person kind of gave me some negative feedback. But that was okay. Because the people who responded positively were the people I was trying to reach anyway.
Then this blog began to look like a book. And that became scary because I was opening myself up to more rejection. But it wasn’t about me. This wasn’t about me, God allowed me to go through this a second time for other people to share my story, instead of keeping it to myself. And I read Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection. And I decided, well, my gift is imperfect. But that book really helped me to put myself out there to put my imperfect gift out there for other people. And so yeah, my book isn’t perfect. But people are being helped by it.
So that is one way to turn your pain outward is not to keep your insights to yourself, but to share them with other people, whether it’s through writing, whether it’s through talking through a group, or starting up a Bible study, there are multiple ways to turn your pain outward. Even though you share imperfectly, somebody’s going to be impacted by it. And it’s okay. God will give you the courage to take that next step. And the next one, and the next one. So, no, I’m not fully healed in five and a half years. But I’m a lot better than I used to be. And why. Why? Because I take the little step.
I know that the answer is in taking it. When I can do one more step than I did the week before, and sometimes, I go backward. Three steps forward, two steps back, but you can’t get discouraged when you go back. You do the little thing again, and again and again. And it leads to grandiose things for God’s kingdom. But you leave that up to him. You do your part, let him do his part.
Father God, we come before you and just ask that you would speak to each person listening to the story. Only, you know each story, only you know how to speak into each story. And so that’s what we pray for now that you would communicate a message that you would pull something out of this podcast. That you would bring to mind something that would make each person who’s listening today, draw closer to you, whether it’s to give up something to make a small step, to turn their pain outward, to have hope in their predicament, and not ever give up. God speak hope into each person. God, let us claim the victory today in each of us to make a difference in the lives of someone else, not just focus on our pain. But remember that there are so many more people out there who have more pain than we do. Let us speak to them. Let us reach them. God multiply our efforts, you can do that because you are God. Help us be obedient with the small steps, Jesus.
