Spring 2021 came around and the results were looking better. I think this was another turning point in our journey where we spent the next two years getting yes, you’re in remission. Then no you’re not. Yes, you are. No, you’re not. Yes, you are. No, you’re not. And I think that was really hard for me to feel healing was at hand and then taken away. He gave it to me and then was taken away because of more misdiagnosis and incorrect information. 

Fast forward to the fall of 2021, and finally, things are looking good. They gave us the go-ahead to start a family which was a miracle because they weren’t sure we’d ever have kids, given how bad my health was. I ended up getting pregnant with our sweet Izzy about two weeks later. And so that was another miracle and felt like we got Izzy’s name in a dream from the Lord. That just means God’s faithfulness and promise. 

That pregnancy was marked with the most sick I’ve ever been in my whole life. All the progress we thought we made, we weren’t really making and then I had another traumatic birth situation and just got a lot more confirmation that my health was not the way that God intended it. That was June of 2022. Fast forward to summer 2023. I had another scope and they said that the damage that this pregnancy had done was not ideal and I needed to do something different. Otherwise, I’d be back having surgery in five years. 

I got put on a biologic at that point and that’s something I’ll be on forever, probably until. Yeah, I don’t know, I guess it’s just forever. Which isn’t something anyone wants to hear but at that point, I didn’t want to go back to another surgery. I didn’t want to do that again. This last spring, I had another scope and this was the first time since 2017, that I’d had results that looked better, but that were like, good, good, good. 

I was told by my doctor that the disease looks better than your previous scope. And he’s said, “You don’t ever see that. It doesn’t happen”. And so for the first time ever, I was getting clear pathology clear symptoms and everything was totally manageable. My doctor told me, “I don’t think this will ever be a problem for you again”. That was a wild, wild experience. 

Back in 2018, when I felt like I heard God say, I’ve healed you. I didn’t think that was gonna be in 2024. I thought that every single time I showed up for an appointment, like it should have been that day or that time, and it wasn’t, and it wasn’t, it wasn’t. I think what hit me the most out of the healing journey was just like, wow, like, God, this is a miracle.  I’ve seen your miracles over and over and over again. But what I thought would have been my response would have been the cue the big happy ending, like you’re healed, everything’s better. But that is actually like the turning point of me really realizing that I couldn’t accept that news. 

It wasn’t possible that I was finally healed. I realized when I was digging in deeper that I wasn’t worthy of it…I felt like I wasn’t worthy of it. What I found myself saying was, “God, didn’t you see my journal entry these last few months? Didn’t you see all the ways I’ve given up?” Sickness was just part of my story.

To the point that a couple of months prior, I’d gotten my wisdom teeth out, which really isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s not that fun. And I was told that 2% of people have prolonged numbness in their mouth and I was like, great, count me. I’m part of the 2% that medically everything goes wrong. And it did. It’s still numb today and that was back in April. It’s getting better and it will be fine. But I’d realized in that time that I never once prayed for God to heal me because I figured that there was no point in praying. After all, I hadn’t worked for anything else. I adopted a suck it up and move on mentality. 

I had no faith left, that healing was available, or that God was for my health. That’s a really crappy place to be in. Amid all that journaling, that’s when you chose to heal me, God? I would say it’d had been an up-and-down journey over all of those years of like, I have faith I have no faith, I have faith I have no faith. But it was in the worst of the worst of my lack of faith when God, that’s when He decided to show up. I was immediately flooded, then at that point with guilt and lies and shame, which obviously isn’t from God. But that hit really hard.

I am really thankful that during that same time…God doesn’t do any of these things by mistake, his timing is always perfect. I had just signed up for a freedom masterclass. And just days before I’d received a tool about realigning my identity. That tool helped me make some ugly confessions I was pouring myself out to The Lord realizing that, I thought my prayers fell on deaf ears. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of healing. I felt like God already had it all sorted out so there was no point in asking. I believe that God wanted healing for other people, but definitely not for me. 

After confessing these things, I asked God to help me with the truth and a song came on that I’d never heard before. I immediately started sobbing. It was called “Don’t Stop Praying” by Matthew West. And I’ll just read a couple of the lyrics for you guys.

What’s your impossible? Your “I need a miracle”

What’s got you barely hanging by a single thread?

What looks so hopeless now? What weighs down your heart with doubt?

You beg for a breakthrough, but no sign of breakthrough yet

When you’ve cried, and you’ve cried ’til your tears run dry

The answer won’t come, and you don’t know why

And you wonder if you can bow your head even one more time

Don’t stop praying

Don’t stop calling on Jesus’ name

Keep on pounding on Heaven’s door

And let your knees wear out the floor

Don’t stop believing

‘Cause mountains move with just a little faith

And your Father’s heard every single word you’re saying

So, don’t stop praying.

I was just immediately moved to tears like okay, God I hear you but I really don’t feel like praying. I don’t even really know how to re-enter that realm because I’ve shut it off for so long. And so this song I feel like every time I got in the car for the next three weeks I heard it every single time and I drive a lot. So I know that it’s not because the radio plays it that much. But I feel like that gave me enough hope to take the next step. And the next step was more confessions more ugly stuff that I didn’t want to peel back. Things I didn’t even know were there. 

The next confession was I thought it was too good to be true. I had too many misdiagnoses. I’m unworthy. I’m one phone call away from the rug getting pulled from under me again. If I walk forward in healing then everything will fall apart. So I’d rather just self-protect and stay here. Again, I asked God, “God replace this crap with the truth because this is not freedom”. He reminded me that who the Son sets free is free indeed. Nobody guilted God into giving you that gift. He chose to do that. And it’s a good gift that nobody deserves. I was like really wrestling, “Okay, God, I want to receive this gift, help me to receive this gift”. 

Again, God in His goodness woke me up in the middle of the night. It was very distinctly the Lord. I’ve always been taught, that if you get woken up in the middle of the night, pay attention to what time it is. Okay, 3:11am, and the verse that came to mind was 2 Timothy 3:11 which says, “Persecutions and sufferings I’ve endured yet the Lord rescued me from them all”. Again, this was more hope to move forward. I felt like that was like, Okay, God distinctly spoke to me twice, like, I should just be good now. But I was still stuck. 

I was still feeling deeply unworthy and started confessing all the places I’d felt unworthy in life before. This unraveled years and years and years of lies that stemmed clear back to a middle school experience that I had at our church. And, again, God filled me with the truth to replace those lies. He said, “I saw that, and I know that happened. Those things broke my heart, too”. Then I got a picture of God tossing me the keys to the kingdom. And He said, “The kingdom is mine simply because I’m His”. 

I’m worthy because I’m his child. And I am chosen holy and dearly loved simply because I’m His. And I think that was the final, breaking point for me, where I realized, why I showed up feeling so unworthy for so long. I didn’t just wake up one day unworthy. I had picked up lies, and built evidence over and over and over through so many situations over the last decade or 20 years even. That just proved unworthy, unworthy, unworthy. 

So then when I was to the point where I could get a gift that revealed that I was worthy, I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t until this point that I could fully accept the gift of healing that God had for me, and walk in the freedom that God says He has the power to heal even me. So at this point, I was like, remembering back to that verse that God gave me in December of 2018, that I remember telling a friend so distinctly, “Hey, God gave me this verse, and I’m really sick. So this is gonna be great”. 

I didn’t realize that verse that God shared in 2018, and put on my heart wasn’t gonna come true until May of 2024. But it’s true today. And I’ve never been more confident of God’s goodness and faithfulness in that. And He said, “I heard your prayers, and I’ve seen your tears, and I’ll heal you”. And today is proof, it doesn’t matter how long it takes it doesn’t matter, the journey you’re on, God is still in the business of healing. He’s still in the business of restoring and redeeming, and He does see my pain, He does see my tears, He is walking through those fires with me. And in the end, God always wins. 

I didn’t know if that was going to be on earth or in heaven. But today, we are thankful to celebrate that, the I’ll heal you is on earth, and that I get to share what God’s done in my life with other people, and encourage them. And it feels like it’s been my whole life that it’s been like this but I wouldn’t trade it for anything, because I know the authority that I walk in now, and I know the freedom that I walk in now. I wouldn’t have the same intimacy with the Lord, I wouldn’t have the same confidence in the Lord if I hadn’t journeyed through all these things. 

It doesn’t mean I go looking for trouble, absolutely not, I avoided pain like the plague. I’ve experienced so much of it, but realizing that I wouldn’t be who I am without that. No, it doesn’t define me but it is part of my story and I get to use that story now. My hope is that I get to share this story with the many people who are hurting and walking through the trenches because I want them to know there is hope on the other side.