Another Encounter with God

Eventually, I get caught cheating again on her, and she’s like, “You really have to go to church, or else I’m gonna leave you.” And I’m like, “Okay, well, maybe I should go to church.” I remember, I was talking to my buddy at work, who was one of my shift leads at the time, and he was in the same sin I was. And so we were kind of talking about that.

I said, “Man, yeah, she wants me to go to church, but I don’t know if I feel comfortable going to church. I feel like I just want to go to the park, read the Bible, and sing a few songs with some friends and worship God that way.” And then a guy walks in, and this is Sunday, of course, walks and sits his sons down, comes up, and he gives me the weirdest look.

He says, “Hey, man, I’m not trying to be weird, but can I just tell you how I worship Jesus?” I go, “Yeah, go ahead, man.” And he says, “My friends, go to the park, we sing a few songs, read the Bible, and worship God.” I just go, “What the heck, dude? Were you just listening to me?” He goes, “No, you just watched me walk in and sit my kids down, like you just saw me walk in the door.” I just go, “Dude, I literally said that like, word for word.” He said, “That’s God, after your heart, man.”

I remember I felt a weird feeling in my heart. I was like, I don’t like that. I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel like something like, hit me, you know, not knowing it was the Holy Spirit at the time, but I was just like, that’s weird. And so I went outside, I smoked a cigarette and some weed, and I forgot about it. I was just like, I don’t want to address this feeling, because it feels too intense, right?

God Answers His Prayer

I remember a few days later, I said my first prayer, a kind of just up in the air prayer, sometimes I call it, but I was like, “All right, God, if you get me a job at Chick-fil-A, I’ll go to church every Sunday.” And I said, exactly like that, very sarcastically.

The next day, I got a job at Chick-fil-A, and then got fired at Taco Bell. And I was like, “All right, well, I’d better go to church, because apparently God might be real, right?”

I started going to church with this girl’s family, and of course, I’m still in immorality, still cheating on her, and now I’m going to church with her family. They’re so kind to me. They’re so sweet and so kind to me, and they’re taking me to church, taking me to dinner, and everything, and just loving on me, right? And they just don’t know all this horrible stuff I have. I’ve been, I mean, I’ve been physical with this girl. I’ve said hurtful things, you know. Everything I despised in my life, I had become, and it just kept getting worse and worse, and there was no remedy to it.

I’m on the way to church with this family on a Sunday. And I remember the song that was playing on the radio because I was having this thought, like, I am the worst person ever. Why would God want to forgive a piece of crud like me? I remember the song on the radio was, What a Beautiful Name, and I was like, man, this song’s so good. What’s so great about this song? It’s just so beautiful. I mean, it’s the name of Jesus.

Experiencing God at Church

I get to church, and I’m still having all these thoughts, like, why would God forgive me? And the sermon was about how God forgives the worst of us. And I was like, Oh my goodness, this is weird and I’m on the edge of my seat, like, this is intense. It was like he was speaking directly to me, even though it’s a huge, mega church, but it feels like he’s talking directly to me.

And then every Sunday, it was something I would think about, and again, it would just be like he was speaking directly to me. I started getting paranoid time after time and time again. I was like, What is going on here? Why are these people speaking what’s in my mind? Like they’re in on it, you know?

I remember it was probably the 11th or 12th time it had happened, we would stay the night at my girlfriend’s parents’ house, and it was eight o’clock on the dot. I remember exactly what time I pulled her into the room, and I started cussing her out and everything, saying, “What are y’all trying to do?” And she’s like, “What are you talking about?” I said, “You’re telling your parents what I’m thinking, they’re telling the pastor what to say, it’s the only explanation.” She’s like, “What are you talking about?”

I’m just like, “Well, all these things are happening, and I don’t understand, all these coincidences are happening, and it’s like, they’re speaking directly to me. You have to have a part of this. You’re trying to trick me.” She said, “You sound insane.” She thought I did some heavy, heavy drugs, but I was actually completely sober at that moment.

Hearing the Voice of God

I remember our last big fight that we had. It got very, very physical between both of us. I remember she was gonna go up to her parents’ house, and I had this idea that my life was over. And so I went to the top of this parking garage in Hurst, Texas. I went to the fourth story and just hung off the edge. Right before I was thinking about jumping, I thought I gotta say something to God, in case he’s real.

I said, “God, either you’re not effing real or you don’t effing like me.” And then I heard a voice that sounded like thunder come out of the sky say, “It’s not your time.” I was like, “Did I just hear that? I don’t know.” It comforted me, though I felt comfort, which was the weirdest thing I remember; I just stepped up, stepped off the ledge. I was like, I’m gonna go home and sleep. So I went home and I just slept.

I went to work at Chick-fil-A the next morning and came home after work. All her stuff was gone, so it was official, she was completely gone. I was like, Oh, my life’s over, you know? And I remember, it was a Monday, and then that whole week was just chaos for me. The weekend came around, and my grandma was like, “Why don’t you come up here?”

Sunday came around, and she’s like, “Why don’t you come to church with me?” So I went, and I met this dude named Reid, such a sweet guy, and we were both the same age. He was the youth pastor there, and I found out we were in the same grade, went to the same high school, and this is all the way in Sulfur Springs from Grapevine.

We talked about meeting up after church, but we didn’t get that opportunity. I had a pamphlet, and they said, If you have a prayer request, just tear off the bottom, put it in the offering plate, and we’ll pray for you. If you feel led to put your name and your number, we’ll give you a call as well. I wrote my name, my number, and I just put I want my life together. And I put it in there.

Reid called me the next day, and he just said, “Hey, man, I just want you to know I got your prayer request. I’m praying for you and everything like that. And I just want to know if you want to get tacos tomorrow, I’m going to be in Dallas.” I said, “Sure, yeah, man, let’s get some tacos.”

Jesus Loves ME?

I remember he was the first person who ever told me that Jesus actually loved me and, like, actually cared about me, that when he was dying and beaten, he had my name in his mind, just like he had all of our names in his mind. I was like, “Whoa, man, this is intense.”

I went home, and I felt so good after the meeting, you know, Reid and I were like, “Yeah, we’re gonna stay in contact.” And I remember I held my Bible, and I was just like, I’m just gonna open it randomly. I said, All right, Lord, if you love me, just show me in this book where you love me.” I opened it up, and it was random. It was Luke 15, the parable of the 99 sheep. I remember it broke me down crying. I was like, Oh, I’m the one lost sheep Lord’s after me.

The thing is, I went and I celebrated by getting high. I felt the presence of the Lord even in the midst of darkness. I was just like, what? And so, but, yeah, I still had this heart where I truly wanted to follow the Lord, and I wanted to do it wholeheartedly. I was still in all these Bible studies and going and doing the church thing, I guess you could say. We had this vision that we needed to do outreach in our Thursday night Bible study.

Jesus Still Heals

We met up with these amazing people, and we went and did some outreach, and I saw somebody get healed inside a store. This dude’s ankle got healed. He didn’t speak English well and mostly spoke Spanish. He’s like, “My pain is no more, and Cristo muy bueno.” And I’m like, What is going on, dude? This dude’s ankle just got healed, and he’s jumping on it, even though he was just limping and walking with canes. He’s jumping on it, and no pain at all.

I’m astonished, like, this is amazing. I’ve never seen the spirit move like this inside TJ Maxx, you know, this is insane! We’re praying for people, and it gave me a little bit of boldness to go out and start praying for strangers. These people were part of a home fellowship, and I ended up coming into the fellowship. I got baptized there. This gentleman named Jeremy, who’s a dear friend of mine, and Sean baptized me.

Repentance and Baptism

I remember they explained, you know, it says in Acts 2:38 Repent and be baptized in Jesus’ name for the forgiveness of sins, and you’ll receive the Holy Spirit. Then he was talking about, Jesus said, those who endure to the end will be saved. We have to endure through sufferings and trials, as it says in James, Peter, and all these other epistles.

I was like, Oh man, like, there’s this sense of enduring. The ideas were starting to come into my head, I have to really deny my flesh and pick up my cross and follow him. I was like, man, all right, this is everything I need to repent of that I’ve never repented of before.

I had not repented of all the evil I had done in my past. I got baptized, and I remember I was filled with the Holy Spirit. I’ve never felt power like that before, and I spoke in tongues. I remember, I was looking at the grass and the shelf that was on the porch, because it was just a camel trough on the porch. I was like, “Man, this shelf is beautiful. This grass is beautiful. I’ve never seen it like this before. It’s so beautiful.” And I was just like, “What is going on?”

Falling Back Into Addiction

About a year into this home fellowship. I got a job at a Cracker Barrel, and I met a girl there. I was really attracted to her, I liked her, and I ended up sleeping with her. And that was the trigger. I started hiding everything. I didn’t confess it to my fellowship. I didn’t let them know that I was watching pornographic material again and that I was smoking marijuana again. I was smoking cigarettes.

They confronted me in front of the whole church at that time, and they said, “Blake, we’re so concerned about you. We can see something’s wrong; we’re worried about you. Do you want to say anything to us?” I confessed everything to them that I’ve been sleeping with the girl. I’m smoking marijuana again. I’m completely back in my normal way, former way of life, and I didn’t want to turn away from it at that point.

I remember thinking, I’m gonna go and sedate myself. On the way home that day, I smoked five to 10 cigarettes because I was so grieved. I was so numb. I remember I went home, and it just got worse and worse. I just started seeking this girl. Eventually, the girl left after a few months, and I just started sleeping with everybody as many times as possible.

It was worse than it ever had been. I remember, I was starting to watch documentaries about serial killers, like Jeffrey Dahmer and the Night Stalker, stuff like that. I was starting to believe these voices in my head that would say that I was created for evil, and that everybody who had rejected me deserved to die. I was becoming this pure evil person that I never wanted to be.

I would catch myself, and I would say random prayers like, “Lord, I don’t want to be this. This is evil. I don’t want to be this way; this is horrible.” But I could feel myself getting so bitter and so angry and blaming everybody else but myself for my choices. It just kept getting worse and worse.

God is Relentless with His Love

I remember the craziest thing that happened in the middle of this overwhelming darkness. I was working at Great Wolf Lodge, and this kid was drawing a picture. I kind of noticed it for some reason. The night before, I had prayed, “Lord, if you still love me, just show me that you love me.”

These grandparents looked irritated. They called me over and they said, “Hey, sir, we’re sorry to bother you, but our grandson drew this picture, and he really wants you to have it, and he’s not going to leave us alone till you take it.” I said, “Okay.” I grabbed the picture, and it’s a picture with hearts all over it, with Jesus’s name written in the middle and arrows pointing to it. I’m like, Oh my gosh! I said, “Yeah, thank you guys. Have a great day.”

I ran to the back, and I’m like, What do I do with this!? Like, what do I do? You know? I messaged some of the people that were in my fellowship, Jeremy, Ruben, Sean, and they were just amazing brothers that loved me even in my darkest phase of this. They would answer when I called, and it surprised me. I just started realizing that the Lord is pointing out that all the evil that’s being produced in my life, all the things that are happening, were because I made these choices. I chose to do this. I did this to myself.

Follow Me

The Lord tried to warn me. He puts it in his word that he tries to warn us, just like the lady caught in adultery really spoke to me, Jesus says, “Neither do I condemn you, but go and sin no more, unless something worse happens to you.” I was like, Man, these choices that I’ve made have brought me to this, this level of wickedness that I’ve really found myself in.

I came to a point where I was standing in my restroom, and I was looking in the mirror for 20 minutes at myself, and I was like, Am I going to believe everything that my flesh tells me, or am I going to submit to the Lord? Am I going to withhold nothing from him and forsake everything? Am I going to do that, or am I just going to stay in this and become as evil as possible until I die or get thrown in jail?

I decided, I’m going to withhold nothing, forsake everything. Everything. I grabbed my marijuana stuff, and I went and smashed it and threw it in the dumpster. I can’t do this anymore. I called Ruben, I called Jeremy, and I called Sean, and all of them answered.

We talked for a while, and I said, “Look, man, I don’t know what to do. I just know that I need help. I want to follow the Lord, but I don’t know what to do. Please help me.” I called them, and we ended up meeting.

I remember I was just like, I’m gonna do whatever I can to withhold nothing from the Lord and forsake everything. So I came into this new walk. But it was almost like I was so beaten down that I was brought into this humility. A position of realizing the gravity of my choices, and by the Lord’s mercy, I’m still alive and not in jail right now, and even that these people are answering and willing to help me. It’s just like, my mind, my heart, just exploded, and a whole new life happened.

Walking by the Power of His Spirit

Now I’ve been able to walk by the power of the Spirit. I’m walking in freedom. No immorality, no drugs, no pornographic addiction. The Lord has set me free in all these things, and it’s not that I don’t struggle; the temptation still tries to come at me, but it leads to prayer, “Lord, please just renew my mind, renew my heart. May I be strengthened to walk in your ways.”

I need him, like he’s the one that charges me, you know, I need him. If I don’t have His Spirit to strengthen me through the days, I won’t be able to endure to the end, like he said, but by me making these choices and being willing to withhold nothing and forsake everything to inherit his kingdom and to stay away from his judgment. It’s like the fear of the Lord that just rested so heavy on me.

I used to think the fear of the Lord was like, oh, I’m going to be scared, and I’m not going to feel any love from God. But when I started to fear him, I had never felt so much love from God in my life. It’s just overflowed. That’s the best way I can describe it. That’s when all the scriptures just started coming alive. Proverbs, where it says, The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom.

I started to understand not just my sin, and the severity and the weight of this age, but also the seriousness of walking out the gospel to where it just transformed everything. And now here we are, and we’re walking in freedom from these things, but it’s a continuous battle, and we have to endure through it. As long as we continue to say yes to the Lord to endure to the end, he will strengthen us by His Spirit to do it.