Facing Mental Affliction
(Please listen to Anthony’s story by clicking the white play button at the top of this post. You can read the transcript of the story below.)
Whenever I would be in a precarious situation, I’m either in the car with a bunch of people I was doing drugs with, and I’m about to overdose, or about to get in a car accident or something really horrible is about to happen that’s threatening my life, automatically out of my mouth would just come these words, and I remember it now, I would say like something along the lines of like, “I don’t want to die. Jesus, please save me.” And those things would just shoot on my mouth. Like, “I’m scared Jesus help me.” Those things would just pop out. I was so scared. I was so scared and alone.
It’s like, it doesn’t matter what you have built up around you or what you’re using as your comfort or your protection. But like when you’re, when you’re about to die. Like there’s only one person you want. His name is Jesus.
Whooo, and now it doesn’t take a drug overdose for me to call on him. I call on him like when I first wake up in the morning because I love his face. His face is so beautiful. Oh, he’s so beautiful.
He’s such a beautiful man. He’s not intimidated. He just cares so much about you that it’s like what you’re doing that goes like that’s that’s harmful or negative or destructive, like it’s almost like it doesn’t even matter to him. He just, he cares so much about you, he’ll overlook anything if he can snatch you out of it. And if he can show you how loved you are. He is so, he’s so desperate for you. Anyways, so yeah, man, I gotta like cool it a little bit.
Okay. I never really like I would always feel like an inkling of hope in things. But every single time I would, end up back where I had started. And it was like the things I was putting my hope in we’re never coming through for me, before coming to Jesus, you know. That’s kind of what my life looked like. It was in it was like, into the world, you know, and like just getting really afflicted having a total breakdown and going into the mental hospital, where things would kind of seem to stable out for a little bit. But I would just get there, I would just, I would get prescribed like a bunch more medicine. And I would leave with more medicine than I came in. And, and things would get worse on the outside and then I would have another, you know, real, real crazy time, be afflicted, go back into the mental hospital even more wounded and messed up than the last time.
I remember one time right before they called the police or the 911 to get me to the hospital was, I was I just got done, like screaming at my parents pretty violently. I had went and I smashed all the dishes and glasses that we had in the cupboard. And in just sitting in the kitchen, I like took my shirt off, and I had started taking the glass that I broke, all the glasses, I started taking the glass from that and like cutting myself with it and like drilling it, with my hands into my into my own body into my chest. And then I had tried to eat the glass. And that was all just rage. That was just anger. That was all that was; it was anger. Yeah, it was just this crazy affliction. So there was a lot of that though, that was a pretty much daily thing. The screaming the smashing, the cutting myself, stabbing myself, threatening to murder my parents, doing really, really crazy stuff like that. That was a very daily occurrence, though it was like, I think the only times that it didn’t happen is if I was out doing drugs all day. And then I, I would come home high. And at that point, I wasn’t doing anything, any types of drugs that would really cause that type of behavior. I actually, I carried that behavior into my drug addiction. So I was behaving like this before the drugs really exacerbated it and made it worse. I mean, suicide threats were very common growing up for me. Freak outs were very common, screaming slamming doors, throwing things, wild stuff that was like a day-to-day life for me.
So I think at the very beginning, when I was a really young, young boy, I had a lot of insecurity. And that was like projected on other people. And as if like oh, well they will never accept me because I had longed acceptance and I hadn’t found it anywhere because I didn’t know Jesus yet and hadn’t been accepted by the love of God, I haven’t had an experience him accepting every single part of me just the way I am. So always thought I had to manufacture myself to appear as someone who’s already accepted so that I could get the same acceptance as them, which always led to me chasing something that I could never be. And so as a young boy growing up, I suffered a lot of rejection. The anger probably came in as a coping mechanism to defend myself against those, against the people that were rejecting me. If you know, if you’ll reject me, I can just you know, I can ignore these feelings if I just become angry at you, I can defend myself. So you know, bipolar, depression, that the bipolar, bipolar leads to, you know, drug addiction, drug addiction lead to schizophrenia. So I’m 20 – 21 years old at this point. I’m like, totally brain fried, I have brain damage. I have full blown schizophrenia. I can’t communicate in complete sentences anymore. I’ve totally lost that ability. I could talk for you know, a million years, but none of it would make sense and it’d be gibberish. So that’s where I kind of had my first real salvation experience when I was that brain dead. And at this point, my parents had reached out because it was kind of on my last limb. I was really reaching the end of my life span.
I had I’d gotten arrested for six felony possession charges about that year. So when I was 21, all on one arrest, I had six felonies on me. I ended up in the hospital, my parents were like, okay, we’re taking you to that rehab again, or, you know, we’re just not we’re not able to handle this anymore. We can’t, our family just can’t take the pain, we just can’t do it. And I was like, Okay, take me there. So I went to the rehab, and I was there at the rehab for about three weeks. I remember we would just worship in the morning. It was worship three times a day, reading the Bible, pretty much all day and then hard manual labor which was just what I needed. With the manual labor for character building and the worship for the encounter with Jesus and the Bible for getting the truth and renewing the mind. We had a mentor come in, every Wednesday, his name is Craig, he was an amazing, spirit-filled dude. Like, this guy was not like everybody else, he would walk in. And Holy Spirit was telling him everything. This dude was he was meeting every single need that I had when he showed up. Whatever I was confused about, he showed up. But he’s like, Oh, hey, uh, yeah, let’s talk about this today. Just answer every single question just demolishing the years and years of work of the enemy. That’s the crazy thing about what I had learned, the light of God was moving way faster than the darkness, to consume me. It was just instantaneous.
About week, three, three weeks in, you know, and we’re about more maybe about a month into my salvation now. Craig comes in and with his buddy Ray, we’re going to do inner healing and deliverance. I’m like, whatever Craig says, let’s do it! You know, because this dude, he’s on it. Whatever he said, I was like, Yes, you know, because he brought life and freedom and it was blowing my mind. And so right off the bat, they start both Ray and Craig, we’re getting words of knowledge, where all that is, is Holy Spirit, who lives inside of them was just, letting them know what types of spirits I had. And so that they could deal with them and address them. It was just the most … Alright, spirit of depression. Yep. All the way out. Yep, in the name of Jesus. Yeah. I just felt this in my legs, would start to tense up and my legs would be shaking and kind of moving around and wiggle up to my my tummy and I’m wiggling kind of, involuntarily. I feel peace in my heart and my mind, I’m totally cool. But my body is all wiggly. I feel this energy like kind of going up into my chest and, and then my head gets filled with this energy and all of a sudden, I’d be like, whoooo and it would just leave my body, just like that. I would yawn sometimes. But most of these were just big exasperated sighs that started my toes, and wiggled of my body and came out my mouth, like, whoo…just come out. And then all of a sudden, I feel like peace like I’ve never felt before my entire life. And so it’s just three, it was it was two, three hours of just that. And the very end of it. What they did was Ray came up to me and he he placed his hand on my head. And he starts praying for healing. Just you know, commanded healing from heaven to happen in my physical brain for physical healing.
I told him, “You guys have done for me in three hours, what eight years of psychiatrists, hospitalizations, and psychiatric medicine could never do.”
I felt this electric tingle start right above my eyebrows. And it went, tingled all the way back. Like to the very, back of my brain, it just, it was inside my skull. And it was like this electric massage. It just went across my whole brain, I could feel it. And that was it. And then they sat down, Okay, cool. I remember talking to Ray and Craig, and we were having full conversations, like, how me and you would talk right now, Hey, how you doing? Yep, doing fine. You know, totally just processing what you’re saying in a normal way and responding in a full sentence. That’s how we were communicating. And their minds, their eyes are huge, they’re bugging out. I hadn’t really grasped the fullness of what just happened. Because I you know, when you’re crazy, you don’t really know it, you know, and when you do realize that you can’t hold on to it for too long, because it’s like too distressing. It just like crushes you, you know.
Yeah, when you’re crazy, you don’t want to think about you’re crazy, it’s just not a good feeling. And so I left and I remember walking out. And I just like, sat down in the hallway. And just listened to the silence in my brain. Because for the first time in my entire life, there was no, noise and chaos in my mind, dude. It was just total silence. It still is too if I just stopped talking for even a moment. It’s just just dead quiet up there. It’s awesome. It’s really cool. Before, it was like the bottom half of Niagara waterfalls mixed with a vacuum cleaner factory if all the vacuums turned on, and the static channel on the TV turned up really loud, all the same time jumbled up. After the three hour session, it was totally clear. And my eyes were totally normal.
When I went into the session, I was still taking my bipolar medicine, I had brain damage. And I had all the emotional extremities of bipolar disorder and all the confusion and symptoms of schizophrenia. After three hours of praying, calm prayer, just in the name of Jesus, real simple, casting out of demons from my body. And you know, they came out. I was totally normal. Like how I still am today is how I was after that session. And in three hours I walked in brain damage, bipolar schizophrenic, save it but still bipolar schizophrenic with brain damage. And then on the way out, I had no schizophrenia. no bipolar. I have never taken any medicine.
I don’t take bipolar medicines or schizophrenia medicine. And I’m just like, honestly, I’m like the healthiest dude ever. I’m totally, totally normal, you know, in the sense that my mind’s completely healed, I don’t have mood swings, I wake up, I could just, I’m just myself, like, I’m 100% like, that light that filled my body when I first got saved, it never got it never got. It’s still there. You know, it’s not like it lost its ground, still filled with light. And now after the deliverance, my mind’s completely clear.
It’s just quiet up there. And it’s really awesome. So at the end, I remember walking up to Ray, and looking him in the eyes. And this is after a full day of just listening to the silence in my head. And I told him, “You guys have done for me in three hours, what eight years of psychiatrists, hospitalizations, and psychiatric medicine could never do.” And since that day, I’ve been coasting on the peace of God and the joy of the Lord. I have not been the same since.
After that, like, that really allowed me that really seriously, like, catapulted my next seven months, because I spent seven months at that facility. And so having been completely freed in my mind, and in my soul, from demonic oppression, and now having a healed brain, I was able to read my Bible, I couldn’t read before. I was able to like, cognitively have relations with people. I could speak, communicate. So my relationship with, with the clarity that I had in my mind, and now the connection by the Holy Spirit that we all have available to us into my heart. And with my newfound love for reading, which I had as a kid, but I lost it. I rediscovered my love for reading. It was just seven months of learning about the nature and the love of God through Scripture, being completely transformed by eating it up, like waking up to bedtime. I’m just reading the Bible eating it up, like taking it, you know, to work when we were working on the property, like finding times to sneak off, getting all my work done early so I could read the Bible, and just growing in my relationship and fellowship with God. Communicating with the Holy Spirit and just getting revelation from him and talking to him and cultivating that relationship. It’s, Jesus is the spirit that rules in my life. Well, His Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit is the Spirit that rules in my life, and he is Lord of my life. And I found my identity in him. And he’s came and made home inside of me. And so now instead of leaving the effects of those other spirits, which will never ever true part of my identity, Everywhere I go, now I leave the effects of what I was always meant to leave. Everywhere I go, trails of joy, peace, I don’t have to try hard. Nobody does.
If Jesus lives inside of you, just like surrender to who he created you to be and what he’s trying to do in you, which is to fill you with His Spirit, which is joy and peace and love and kindness and gentleness, and you just, patience, self control. And you would just leave that type of impact everywhere you go. And that trail of goodness. God’s love, is transforming people in really supernatural ways through everyday people everywhere they go, it’s just where it’s, that’s who we were always made to represent. And that’s the type of trail we were always made to leave.
I think a lot of the the lack of peace, the anxieties, and the restlessness that I had as like a younger boy. Oh, man, I feel like I’m like a young boy again. I just remember being a little kid and, I feel exactly like that little kid, except for this time. It’s like it’s happened in the way it was always meant to be. I’m a little kid in his presence.
You know, every single time I come to him, he just makes me feel like a child again. And I don’t feel like I missed anything. Like there’s not a single thing in my life that I feel like I missed out on because when I come to him now, what I find in him is so fulfilling, it makes it, would make up for a million lifetimes of bipolar and schizophrenia. Just one day in his presence would make up for a million lifetimes of affliction.